The art of being interested vs. interesting

I recently binge watched a delightful reality show called “The Later Daters,” which follows people in their 50s to early 70s navigating the dating scene. What made it so interesting wasn’t just the unique contestants, but the show’s dating coach who offered invaluable advice about conversation, presentation and dating expectations. While two successful matches emerged from the show, one particular interaction stood out.

There was a memorable contestant who struggled with a common conversational pitfall – talking exclusively about herself. During one particularly one-sided date, her frustrated companion finally interrupted to ask, “Do you know anything about me?” This moment perfectly illustrated a vital piece of advice from the dating coach: focus on being interested rather than interesting.

This principle extends far beyond the dating world. Once, while teaching a networking class to attorneys, someone asked me how to be memorable. My response surprised them – it wasn’t about wearing attention-grabbing accessories or perfecting a clever elevator pitch. The secret was showing genuine interest in others.

This wisdom echoes something my late father taught me about the art of conversation. He explained that being a good conversationalist actually means being an excellent listener and asking thoughtful, open-ended questions. The irony, as he pointed out, is that people often walk away thinking you’re a brilliant conversationalist when you’ve primarily been the one listening and showing interest in the other person.

My recent return to dating has reinforced these lessons. Even in initial app conversations, it’s striking how quickly you can spot someone who hasn’t mastered this principle. When messages consist solely of self-focused monologues without any curious questions, it’s a clear sign to move on – or in app terms, hit “block.”

Whether you’re on a date, at a networking event or catching up with a friend, remember to check your tendency to dominate the conversation. By shifting your focus from being interesting to being interested, you’ll not only make more meaningful connections but might also find yourself with a new relationship or business opportunity. After all, genuine interest in others is the foundation of any lasting connection.

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